Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
