Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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