Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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