Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
