Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
