sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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