do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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