Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
