i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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