She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
