Swine flu is the new snow day.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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