I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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