She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize