the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Sext me about skeletons
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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