I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
