I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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