Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
