Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
high people should be assigned attendants
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
