I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
