are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
