My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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