I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So squirting runs in the family.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize