I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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