I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
This is my life. Enjoy the view
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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