Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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