You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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