i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
