Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
