I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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