So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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