yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize