exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
