He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
