i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
