his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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