Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
