I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Houston, we have a blender
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
