Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize