I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
