Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize