broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
