My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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