maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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