Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
