he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
