Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
