Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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