she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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