why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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