if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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