i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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