I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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