Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
