Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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