Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You can't motorboat a personality
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
