I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You may now shotgun with the bride
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
