Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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