No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm having to shit out rocks
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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