I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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