There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
