apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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