Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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