i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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