I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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