I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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