I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
