im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
