If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
