Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
