fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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