you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
