I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
