Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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