Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
