Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
