Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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