U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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