Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
