What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
